The courage to still be standing
“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.” -Grays Anatomy
Struggle is a part of life, and at times it seems like it IS life….everything crashes down at once and you wonder where the path is that will eventually lead you out of the mess you find yourself in. Itleast that has been my experience. What is funny is that right when it seems like I have life firgured out, things settle down, and I have adjusted to a change or solution to a problem…wham! Something else is bound to hit me. And this is life, a series of sturggles and triumphs that we learn and grow from. We have to rely on others and our faith to give us the courage to keep going.
The crazy thing is as much as the hard times seem to drown me in the moment, looking back on that time I see the happy moments and victories along the way. The moments with friends that made me laugh in between tears, the struggles that helped build relationships…and the crazy adventures that occur when all sanity is lost due to the stresses of the world. The struggles are what make happiness feel so great, and happiness is what allows us to go through and come out of struggle. Without one we could not have the other.
Life’s obstacles can seem daunting when looking at an end goal…and in reality, there is no end. Every goal I have pursued and am working towards now will never be complete because I will never be complete. So waiting for a victory that only comes with the completion of a large goal will ultimately never come and we will be left feeling incomplete. But how about the small vicorties each day brings, the personal improvements, moments of growth, or willinginess to change ourselves for the better, one small step at a time.
The only way to survive the hard times is to look at the good within it, and see the small steps that take us miles down the road and develop us into who we are made to be. Each day has a small victory, and throughout my life there is not a single day I can think of that didn’t have a moment of joy in it- a smile from a friend, the sun shinning, or falling down the stairs and laughing about it.
those moments are what keep me standing at the end of each day.
Tonight as I lay restless in bed, unable to sleep with the worries that fill my mind- I am left with the courage to stand tomorrow. Because today I laughed with friends, I took a step forward toward a goal, and simply got out of bed and decided I would try again to conquer the changes and difficulties that are surrounding me. Whatever life throws at me, no matter how hopeless it seems, I will be standing with the victories and joys of the days as my backbone. Life is joyful…amongst the pain, and challenges it brings, life is joyful.
Wear Sunscreen
One of my teamates gave me this “song” on a CD when I graduated high school. For the most part I thought it was funny, but it actually has some good advice…..
Everybody’s Free
(to wear sunscreen)
Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ‘97… wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are NOT as fat as you imagine. 
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you. 
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Graduated....what the heck do I do now???
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
too late
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. 
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
Nobody likes you when you’re (23)
Today is one of those days where my life could be a musical, you could play certain songs in the background of today’s happenings and it would fit. You could sell it on broadway and it would do well, I am not sure if you would call it a tragedy, a comedy, or a mess. But, whatever it is, it would be worth the price to watch it. I guarantee it.
Blink 182:
Nobody likes you when you’re 23
No one should take themselves so seriously
What’s my age again?
What’s my age again?
It is true. I am quite possibly at one of the most awkward ages. It’s not really the age itself, just the quirky little space I find myself in while I am this age. Adding to the quirky space, I am 23, but with an odd twist of spending 20 of those 23 years in the sheltered gymnastics world…so who knows how old I really am. I am best friends with people younger than me, which has pretty much always been the case, and at the same time have many friends that are several years older than me, and more so, many phases of life ahead of me. So, let me give you a layout of this…
best friends-undergrads at SPU
(Brie)
friends that are married or getting married
friends wanting to have kids
friends with kids
friends with entire families
you see, I am stuck in the middle…and it’s just awkward. But, about halfway through my pout about this I realized it’s a blessing. How wonderful it is to have so many friends in different phases of life! I wouldn’t trade it, I would just like a few people to be in the ( ) with me. 
As a result, I know a great deal about marriage, pregnancy, the complications that come along with both, and far too much about breastfeeding.
…now if there is anyone else that falls into the ( ) that could tell me what the heck I am suppose to be doing during my time in the ( ) we could become friends.
…and here is the scary part of this story. I am processing through my day, (still in my pout) and debating if I am lame because I am in the() , I was starting to feel a little excited about the that I find myself in…until….. “The Anthem” by Good Charolette….
This is the anthem, throw all your hands up
y’ll got the feeling, sing if your with me
Another Loser anthem, oh oh, Another Loser Anthem.
Are you kidding me??????…so now, my thoughts have gone crazy….
so, I am about 3 miles into my workout and am now back and forth between, I am cool because I live inside the brackets or I am a Loser. I decide to take the IPOD of shuffle and put it to McFly…who’s songs make me laugh b/c my friends and I like to dance ridiculously to them.
here is the first song that comes on:
You and I have got a lot in common
We share all the same problems
Luck, Love and life aren’t on our side
Just my luck
Just my luck
Just my luck now
Yeah you know its just my luck
so, I actually really love this song, it’s fun..but I start to think “you and I have got a lot in common’” ..you and I????? remember the lineup I gave….with me in the ( )?
…so now I am geting really pathetic right? I have taken this 23 bracket thing far out of control and run with it. (but what else do you do when you are working out, right?)
so, the best part is the last song that comes on by Relient K “I’m a little than Useless” and I realize that even if I am at the awkard () and am not sure where I belong or what I am doing, I am reminded in small ways (like this song coming on my IPOD) that I have a purpose and a place where I will be used, even if it is inside the ( ).
And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
…so now, the curtain goes down, my Monday musical ends. Yes, slightly dramaticized for your reading enjoyment, but if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t have been all that entertaining to read.
What is the principle by which you live your life?
What is the principle that you live your life by?
Have you ever been asked this question? Or even thought about it? If you were asked, would you have an answer?
When I was asked this question I was surrounded by people who had immediate answers, t hat seemed sure of themselves and what they stood for. I however, had absolutely no idea for myself.
I didn’t feel like I could capture my life principle into one thought, trait, or outlook on life, and perhaps it is because I haven’t developed a sense of self yet. I didn’t even know what my life principle was, or what exactly was being asked of me. Were they asking me who I am, what makes me unique, what I stand for? I had no idea.
Ever since this question was asked, I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. Do I have nothing that I stand for? Is there nothing unique about my outlook on life? Today as I was running on the elliptical (where my mind usually clears and I allow it to wander) I began to tackle this thought.
I am not sure if this is a principle, and it is not just one if it is, but, I decided that these traits and outlooks on life were unique and something I strive to be/do everyday of my life.
SEEK , & LAUGH
SEEK
I strive to actively seek out others that I can influence and who can influence me. I think there is something to learn in every relationship, however, you have to work to find those people and be open to allowing them to speak into your life, and they need to do the same towards you.
I seek to learn as much as I can about the world around me: it’s current issues, other’s views, nature, how things work, how to do something I don’t know how to do…if I don’t know, I will search for an answer until I find it.
I always want to be learning, growing, and expanding my worldview and knowledge. I cannot be stagnant, I will refuse to not be challenging myself.
I want to continuously be growing as a person. To challenge who I am and what I stand for. To allow others to help me grow. I don’t feel that a person is every fully developed, and we always have something to learn. I actively find people, experiences, and challenges that will uncover new parts of myself, or will challenge me to improve my shortcomings.
LAUGH
Throughout my life I have found myself in many adverse situations (read my previous blog “have you ever?) and I find the best way to get through any challenge is to laugh and make it into a great story. While it doesn’t make the challenge go away, I tend to remember the laughter and funny moments that came from that challenge.
I find life’s most treasured moments are those that are spontaneous, random, and seem insignificant, but provide rolling on the floor laughter. It’s the small moments with people I care about that “feed me” giving me life, energy, happiness, and endurance to go through life’s obstacles.
Maybe I do know more about what I stand for in life and who I strive to be than I thought I did….but I think it is only beginning to emerge.
So now, I challenge you to answer this same question…what is the principle by which you live your life?
Have you ever…?….
Have you ever had your heel break 10 minutes into the day and have to go the entire work day barefoot?
Have you ever ran into your boss in the grocery store, while in you pajamas, slippers, hair everywhere, no make up, just rolled out of bed in all your morning glory?
Ever nearly followed a coworker into the men’s bathroom?
Ever sat behind a parked car (thinking you were in traffic) and after 20 minutes realize you were the one stopping traffic, causing a one mile backup?
Ever stood up on an airplane and not realize that you are looking at a man and proclaim “man, I really have to pee.’
Ever fallen down a flight of stairs holding your laundry and have your pink underwear land on a boys feet, and you on your back next to him?
Ever simultaneously have a sling and eye patch, and become known around campus for “the girl with the sling and eye patch” and walk into class and have the professor pray for you and those in “not such obvious pain”?
Ever have a video on you tube of you falling on your face?
Ever walk past a first floor window, see a hot boy, and proclaim “ooh he’s cute,” and a second later realize his window is wide open and he is staring at you?
Ever run into a clear glass door in front of a crowd of people?
Ever get a bloody nose in Macy’s, run through the store with your friend, and later have someone ask her if “her husband is okay?’
Ever fall asleep standing up in a crowd?
Ever walk into class (the wrong class) after surgery and stand in the middle of the room proclaiming “I don’t know where I am suppose to be?”
Ever dump a 24 pack of diet coke down a very large hill, exploding every single can?
Ever think it would be fun to talk with a British accent, and then have the Subway man talk back to you in the same accent (mocking you) ?
Ever get pulled over after moving 3 days ago, be in hysterics, not know your address (b/c it’s new) and have a cop assume you are drunk and make you do sobriety tests?
Ever go to school on “birthday party day” wearing a giant moving box dressed like a present (and then realize years later how big of a dork you really were?
Ever slow dance with a boy and half way through have him wisper “I’m suppose to lead?”
Ever think it would be cool to get a spray tan, only to realize later (at your gymnastics competition) that you forgot to stand on a towel and have bright orange feet that can be seen from the lose bleed section?
Ever fallen on your face in front of hundreds of people and hear them all go “awwww,” and then in the same routine do it again, and again?
Ever chase your friend’s car through a 4 tier parking garage trying to catch her instead of picking up the phone and call her?
Ever get locked in a bathroom stall in a forgein country, yell for you friend Beth, and have a man walk in and say in his accent “no, not Beth, this is Bernard”
Ever overflowed a toilet while a guest in a house and have it leak from the top floor, through the ceiling, into the bottom floor…only to put too much soap in the dishwasher the next day and bubble-ize the kitchen?
I HAVE…my life is awkward. I hope you enjoyed laughing at it.
What feeds you?
Yesterday in a meeting Dr. Yost propsed a question that he had been thinking about…. “what feeds you?” While I managed to use my “filter” (that I VERY rarely use) and not blurt out my answer, I must admit, I was thinking “My refrigerator feeds me.”
Obviously this was not the type of soul searching he was talking about. I quickly realized this when the responses from the older, wiser, and more “filtered” people in the room came out : family, friends, co-workers, God.”
So what feeds me (other that the refigerator?)
a family that loves me and supports me in everything
friends, I have some of the best friends in the entire world, I am certain of it
Jenn-laughing with her can give me enough “food” even when I am on empty. She is a better friend than I could ever be.
Amy- even when we are half way across the country she gives me life, hope, and reminds me that God works everything out b/c of how He has worked in our friendship
Sunshine.
working out. I admit, sometimes an obcession, but, it does give me energy and life.
relationships, especially intentionally having people in life that I can learn from, and also those that can learn from me. I think one of the best things in life is to allow others to speak into it.
hugs….physical touch is one of my love languages.
LAUGHTER
learning. For as long as I live I want to be learning more about the world, myself, and God. I want to be challenged everyday.
my nightly routine of cleaning, showering, lighting a candle, journaling in dimmed lights, praying, then going to sleep. It feeds me because it allows me to reflect on the day, and give me energy for the next.
God….putting together the pieces of where He is has been, gives me hope that no matter where life takes me He will continue to open more (and better) doors as He has, although, often it is difficult to trust in that
and…in terms of my first answer:
my 6 staples:
apples
yogurt
almond butter
eggs
deli turkey
diet coke.
….that is what feeds me. So Jenn…now that you have used my quote as your status you must also write a blog about what feeds YOU.
Adventures of Jenn and Brie….”the medicine is going to be like going to work drunk” …”I’ve never been drunk, but I have a meeting at 10″
Jenn is perhaps one of the single most wonderful people I know, and I am blessed beyond belief to have her in my life. In any instance, no matter what is happening, we can laugh together. She loves me for who I am, and have stayed by me in every path I have walked, good and bad.
What I love most about our friendship is that we are RIDICULOUS when we are together. It really doesn’t matter the time of day or night…or what we are doing…SOMETHING that is pee your pants funny will occur. This morning was one of those times where I am thankful for our ability to laugh together in every situation.
I had to get a spinal injection (ooo fun) which required me to be sedated and would be numb from the waist down. So, Jenn and I thought it would be best if she drive. There were several funny moments of this morning (many of which Jenn told me about later b/c I didn’t remember them) but here are the highlights:
Walking into the clinic arms linked Jenn “we look like a couple”
Doctor: Jenn, you are not supposed to be in here but your friend is so loopy that we need a witness to confirm that we told her the procedure.
Jenn: yea…she took both of the pills, but was only suppose to take 1/2 of one.
Doctor: I hope you have nothing planned today
Jenn: “She is going to work”
Doctor : “well, it will be like going to work drunk”
Brie: “I’ve never been drunk, but I have a meeting at 10!”
Jenn: “ right foot first, right foot, right food, stop being so damn stubborn, right foot” (attempting to walk up the stairs with one numb left leg
Brie: SUBWAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT THAT!
Surprisingly the majority of our funny moments are not when one of us is drugged (okay, not when I am drugged…b/c that is often the case), but just on a normal day. Some of my favorite moments:
Jenn is obcessed with her Bonzi plant, and let me tell you traveling with her and that plant is a headache,especially if you are late to the airport. Jenn, holding tight to her dear bonze…stressing, and people not letting un into the lane we want screams “be a nice person, be a nice person….you’re going to hell!!!!!”
….a later road trip follows with Jenn explaining….”When I am stressed, people go to hell” (thanks Jenn, I will keep that in mind)
Another quality I love about Jenn…she is an only child. Which makes for excitement…the many micsiouviosu things she has done to me include:
Opening the bathroom door while I am using it (me saying “um, excuse me” and Jenn replying “oh calm down it will just be a second” and then proceeding to tie the bathroom door to my bedroom door
Stacking recycling outside my door so in the morning I would crash into it. (good morning sunshine)
Putting mini wheats in my bed and waiting to hear the shreak
Locking me out of my room in my towel
Taking my bed in the middle of the night
…..the list goes on….and there is always pay back.
Getting locked out of our appartment while trying to move all of my belongings into stoarge in the pouring rain, with a time limit of 30 minutes.
filling up the bath tub with water and putting all of our duck children in it (over 25) and then later thinking we were in trouble for it.
falling asleep and realizing that all of my shoes were in my bed. which she later feel asleep to find easter eggs in her bed.
JENN….you are wonderful. You bring so much joy to my life. One day I am going to show up at your door dressed as a sun to give you a visual of the light that you are to so many people. <3
Pausing to See the View
Possibly one of the most frightening things in life is change….either change that you chose, or that you are forced to make…we all have moments when that change happens and we know our life will never be the same. It’s a scary thought…. what is perhaps a more daunting thought is waiting, in anticipation knowing that that very moment, sometimes dreaded moment, is about to come, and you know that once it does you can never return to where you were. You have no choice. Sometimes it will hurt, and you somehow have to get through it, but it seems insurmountable. You are told to have faith, that God will bring something better, but faith seems to be clouded by uncertainly, pain, and unwillingness to open our minds that our lives will change forever.
As I move through my transition from 20 years as a gymnast I went back to what I wrote when I was waiting for that moment to occur. And now, 10 months later, am reflecting on what I am learning, and just what that pivotal moment in my life is meaning.
Awaiting the moment: April 2008
As I go into my last week of my 20 year career in gymnastics, I can’t even describe the emotions I am feeling. I think I am going to be lost without my teammates and sisters. Of course many of them will be lifelong friends, we have been through more together than I can describe, and I love them so much. My coaches have pushed me harder than I thought I could handle, and helped me rise to a new level of gymnastics, I have been challenged, and have grown tremendously. The sport itself, I have literally been doing it for longer than I can remember, it’s been five hours a day, every day since I was a little girl, so I can’t even imagine life without it. It has been a lifelong dream, and in a week I have no choice, the dream will end with a final salute to a judge, final routine, and final landing, I will write the conclusion to a career that I will not be able to go back and re-write.
This past week I was interviewed for an article about my retirement from the sport and what I will take with me from it. A couple of the questions that sum up what I would be writing here are:
what will stand out the most about my gymnastics career:
MPSF Conference 2008 was the meet I will never forget. Both of my parents were there, and I will never forget the feeling when I nailed my bar routine, Kathy threw her arms around me, my teammates screaming, and looking up into the stands to see my parents standing and screaming. I will replay that single moment in my mind as one of my most treasured gymnastics memories.
Treasured not because it was the best bar routine of my life, but for what it signified. I MADE IT. Through all the doubts, struggles, and having so many people give up on me, and many times nearly giving up on myself…. I did it. From every doctor that told me I would never train or compete bars again, to the countless nights I cried myself to sleep because I wasn’t ready to give up my dream…I did it. I did it with the love and support of so many people, my parents, coaches, teammates, and God.
After an amazing meet at Conference, we found out we had done enough to qualify to Nationals, we beat the odds, and for that it feels like we won. I will always remember Ashley running over to me and us jumping up and down nearly in tears because we did it. I will remember competing in front of 3,000 people (and loving it!!!), the feeling of a nailed dismount, and the cheers of my teammates.
was there ever a defining time when I knew gymnastics was what I wanted to do?
When I was four…I wanted to go to the Olympics, I knew I wanted to do gymnastics, there was no other option in my mind. I grew up watching the Arizona State gymnasts compete and was determined to earn a college scholarship and compete in the NCAA. I decided from a young age that I would do whatever it took to reach that goal. From the age of four I set out to get it and refused to look
back.
was it worth it, all the surgeries, injuries, pain, heartache…to do gymnastics?
HANDS DOWN, YES. it has been a blessing in every possible way, I wouldn’t trade a single moment of the pain because it made what I achieved in the sport that much more joyful. As they say “the greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” I was blessed with a talent and love for the sport that few ever experience, and I know gymnastics will be a foundation and a strength for the rest of my life.
…. I can’t believe 20 years is going to be over in one week…..I am promising myself right now, to soak in every single moment of my last week, and when I salute the judge for the last time at Nationals to KNOW that THIS is what I worked my entire life for…And…in the words of Carrie Underwood..”Thank God even CRAZY DREAMS come true”
“Somewhere behind the athlete you’ve become, the hours of practice, the coaches who pushed you, the fans who cheer for you, is the little girl who fell in love with the sport and never looked back…Do it for her.”
……this week is for the little girl in me who feel in love with the sport twenty years ago.
10 months later: what the moment looks like now
The plane ride from Nationals in Louisiana back to Seattle was the longest ride of my life. Knowing that I left Seattle still living my dream, and will be landing in Seattle, my life changed forever. These 10 months of my life have been the hardest I had ever experienced as I continue to struggle with the loss of my life as a gymnast, and find who I am apart from the sport.
In order to reach the goals I set out to do I had to devote every aspect of my life to the sport. It was only when I came out of the gymnastics world that I have slowly been allowing myself to see the world in a new light and am learning who I am…as a person. I have begun to see how gymnastics has shaped me…and will continue to shape me my entire life. I realized that allowing myself to move beyond the sport requires revisiting both the painful and wonderful memories, and learning what the “real world” is like.
I have been blessed to be surrounded by people who genuinely care, not because I can perform for them, but because of who I am. People who challenge me, love me, and are helping me grow. I am surrounded in life and work with people who are patient as I learn that the real world is not as cruel as the gymnastics world is. At times it is difficult to understand and I don’t believe that it is possible to be loved and valued without losing that it because of a fall off the balance beam.
Gymnastics demands an un-attainable goal…PERFECTION. And when I think about it, I was set up for failure since the age of 3. That’s a hard goal to tackle, and after 20 years, quite a letdown when you don’t accomplish it. I could go and list the many things I didn’t accomplish that I set out to do, the numerous times a coach yelled at me, that I was disappointment to them, or they up threw their arms up in surrender and walked out the door because I had failed them. It happened more than hugs of pride and love. Gymnasts are trained to find the negative in every routine we do, because if you find positive then you are lowering your standards and accepting less than perfection, right? This is how I have lived my entire life, and it will be an ongoing challenge to accept imperfection.
Every mountain I set out to climb I would reach what I had set out to get, and as soon as I got there the mountain became higher and steeper. It was an endless hike, that in the end left me wanting to keep climbing in hope of reaching the top and being able to look down and see that I had FINALLY accomplished something. But living by THIS truth, the top would never come.
This weekend I sat with Ashley, a teammate and best friend, who since we graduated has moved home. We talked about our transition out of the sport. We have known each other through gymnastics for 10 years and became the best of friends. She has a faith that I admire, and pushed me to be my best because she believed in me. She knows me deep as an athlete and sister.
As I sat with her I realized what I treasured most about the sport was not the goals that could be measured by a score, but the parts I did with my teammates, the struggles, the triumphs, fighting with everything we had to reach a goal, and crying with each other when we knew we had done all could and it wasn’t enough….being able to be in a place of joy or sorrow that didn’t have to be expressed, because we all knew how we felt, and that a lifetime of work and dreams was built into everything we did.
It was in this moment this weekend that I also realized that those moments didn’t go away when gymnastics did. I was in fact having one of those moments right then. There I was, sitting with the girls that were with me during some of the most difficult and also exciting times in my life, and we were once again working through one of the most difficult things we will have to do, moving on from gymnastics- and we didn’t have to explain it to each other, or justify our feelings, because we knew, it was a lifetime of work and dreams that had to come to an end.
As we sat talking I wondered, how do you walk away feeling successful from a career when you didn’t meet the goal “perfection.” While my teammates have struggled with the same thing she was able to see beyond what we have been taught to expect…she saw all the successes. She saw that we earned college scholarships, an honor that only a handful in the country get to do. We competed for the NCAA and at Nationals 5 times. We were Conference Champions, we won titles, but more importantly, we never left each other’s sides, and we LOVED the sport more than most. We fought back against coaches when they gave up, we didn’t accept surrender, and we NEVER gave up on each other, even when the rest of the world had.
Then she went on to point out more things that I have been blind to….my own accomplishments. As she listed them off I wondered why I was left feeling like a failure when my career finished? I had reached nearly every goal I set out to achieve, fought adversity, and finished my career at an all time high athletically, and wanting more. Wanting more not because I hadn’t achieved it, but because I HAD. I would never feel successful if I defined my career by my coaches, because NOTHING would be enough for them, I was not perfect. This past year I finally saw my potential because I was healthy enough to reach it. I fought through extremely hard years of surgery and illness when it would have been easiest to give up, but I came out on top…and I wanted more because I LOVED IT. I enjoyed the thrill, the crowds, the achievement, my teammates, the challenge, and doing the sport that I loved. And I wasn’t ready to give it up, and truthfully, I probably never will be ready to give it up. But, when I think about it, that’s the best way to go out…on top. I had reached the top of this mountain; it just took others to help me see the view from the top and the journey it took to get there. I only wish that I had paused every so often during my 20 year career, to look at the view, instead of focusing on continuing up the mountain.
Since that pivotal moment my life continues to change. I am seeing what I learned in the sport shine through in other areas of my life. 10 months ago I thought that gymnastics was all there was in life, and I was saying goodbye to gymnastics and goodbye to who I was. While I still struggle with this, I am beginning to realize that I haven’t said goodbye, I will forever have those relationships, memories, and accomplishments, and will always be a gymnast, but now I am adding to the depth of my character by allowing myself to experience new joys in life. Every day I work to move through the loss I feel and the physical and mental damage that is part of the sport, and I will probably continue to work through it for a long time as I struggle to accept this new life. But slowly, I will accept it and thrive in it.
I have been placed in the hands of friends, mentors, and co-workers that are helping to shape me and challenge me in new ways, and patiently help me grow. I am catching glimpses of hope that I hadn’t seen. I am realizing that without gymnastics these people probably would have never been brought into my life, and that God did not just bless me with the ability to do gymnastics, but as a child of His, with His guiding hand, I can and hopefully will have a positive impact on the world around me. When I await the next pivotal moment in my life I will be able to look back and remember what I am going through right now, and have more faith as I take a new path.
For now, I am climbing a new mountain that has it’s bumps, hills that I am unsure how I am going to get through this transition in my life. It still seems daunting, and at times insurmountable, But when climbing this mountain , the top is nowhere in sight, I will NEVER reach the top, not because I am striving for perfection and unattainable goals, but because the mountain is a journey with many small “tops.” My life will continue to change and I will be challenged to grow and faithfully walk the path, and every so often, pause to see the view.
My life is Awkward…
I think my purpose in life is to do awkward things that most would find embarassing and never mention, and then tell them to the world to make them laugh. THUS….decreasing their stress level, increasing their quality and length of life, and as a result, making the people of the world live longer.
…..OR….I do awkward things and I am trying to make sense of them, but you all enjoy laughing at them.
so….about a week ago I am driving down Nickerson towards Westlake, when I encounter TRAFFIC. Now it’s night, the lights are bright, and there are cars everywhere. The two lanes going onto the bridge are moving but, mine is STOPPED. Now, I sit there for 20 MINUTES…and we haven’t moved at all.
my thoughts:oh my gosh, how have we not moved in 20 minutes, what the heck…seriously? I could have gone to the LA fitness on Aurora and been there by now. Seriously, what is the hold up…..
at about the last sentence I realized I had just answered that very question. ME. I was the hold up. For in front of me, was a PARKED CAR, no lights, no person, yup, just a parked car. And at this point, I had backed up traffic for ITLEAST a mile. So, what do you do? Here were my options….
1. I get out and place my AAA “needs service” sign on the car in front of me, then wave traffic on. I look like a hero and a good person, but eventually have to take the sign off, get back in my car and drive away….without the car ever getting service.
2. I start honking to create a fuss, go around the car and make it seem like someone is in the car…everyone would be so distracted by the honking that they won’t notice that no one is in the car.
3. I put my hazzard lights on and pretend that I have broken down, but, I really wanted to get to the gym.
4. abandon my car and make a run for it.
none of these seemed like sound solutions.
so…I FACED IT. I put my hood over my head, turned my blinker on and went AROUND the parked car. And, made A LOT of friends that night….
….and thus is my life.
Looking for God
What if you lived life looking for God in each moment? ….That question/challened has been presented to me in different ways several times in the past two weeks. First, in reading Dying to Lead, next, in a Bibile study that is focused on that thought, and then on the radio. Each time I heard it it has stopped me to think, what would life be like? And, the thing is, I can’t even fathom that. What would it look like to look for God in every mundane minute, each exciting moment, in joy, in heartbreak….I have no idea. It’s easy to see God in the extremes….when the only thing that can keep you afloat is too look to God and look for where God is in the disaster….but then there are the times when you feel lost and can’t find Him when you need Him most. This is where I am at….needing God more than ever….yet, because He is not right there in front of me or holding me up I think that He is not there at all. But maybe…it’s not that He is not there, I am just not looking hard enough. Maybe God is there so much more than we think and we don’t see Him because we don’t look. So maybe I need to really take that challenge, LOOK for God in every moment. I wonder how it would change each day, how much more joy I would feel…
On another thought…I was driving home tonight and thinking and the blessings in my life, and how everything falls into place in ways you never expect it and it’s usually better than you could have imagined it. I have a family that loves me, am surrounded by friends that are better friends than I could ever ask for….who in the past couple weeks have kept me going and are teaching me what it looks like to love unconditionally and how to walk beside those you love, I seriously do not know what I would do without them and just pray that someday I can be as wonderful as they have been to me. …and I have a job that I love with coworkers that I am learning so much from and are an absolute joy. I am blessed.
Life is differerent than I would have ever expected it to be….and while I am struggling with the transition from what I have known for the past 19 years into the unknown…I feel completely unsettled, lost, and unsure, and at the same time I am excited, know that this is EXACTLY where I am suppose to be and NEED to be…and am more blessed than I could have ever imagined.
